195th

So I guess this is my 195th post published, according to blogger beta. Actually, it's much more, as I deleted a few handfuls frantically, paranoid that someone I knew would come across this site and read things I don't want read. It's one of the reasons I don't list my blog on my myspace or facebook pages. Anyways.

It's Friday, for another hour and a half, and I am keeping my promise with posting. It's kind of sad though, a lot of the people I started blogging with have disappeared (ahem, ahem Leif, Miriam, there are more but I'm lazy). Depressing, I tell you what. I mean, I remember in December of 04, harrassing Leif on his blog as I was very angry for no apparent reason, and then when he traveled to the U.S. in October of last year and we went to Yale. That was fun, eh? Wow, off topic, but yeah. Blogging has become lame since the people I blogged back and forth with have died or something. My blog posts are missing comments after the stalker and the Aussies stopped commenting. I don't care, really, I just feel lonely.

This blog seems lame- I almost want to scrap it, but I'm sentimental. This blogged followed me through mine and Shane's relationship. I posted a lot of personal posts. (Most of which have been deleted, so should you feel the urge to search through past posts - HA! You'll only find lame posts.) I've resigned myself to viewing blogs of people I don't know, since other people don't keep up with theirs (AHEM, Josh, Chris, Sona, Crystal, etc, etc). I've followed a couple women through their pregnancies, some through lawsuits, divorces, and other things that are monumental in one's life. Sometimes, it makes me feel claustrophic, trapped on the merry-go-round of life, never able to jump off. (Unless it's off a cliff, thus killing myself. I don't see this in my future, so no worries.) I'm moving on with my life, making essential career and relationship decisions that have made me happier than I've probably been all of this year. But I'm scared of failing. Failure has always been my biggest enemy; I've avoided people so much that I have agoraphobia symptoms. I've made crucial decisions in deciding what I want to do with my life because I'm scared of failing. I've hurt people when I've tried to project everything I could fail while keeping the friendship. Failure is a pain. In everyway imaginable. Gah, I'm depressing.

Ciao.